Interview Conductor Gifts

'Elaine, no interruptions for the next ten seconds please.'

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

I'm a self-made man!

'You'll have to take an online company aptitude test, but if you're the designer we're looking for, you've already designed an app for that.'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'What a CV - if you can write memos like this you'll go far in our organisation.'

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

'It's a senior management position. We need someone who can listen politely, and then say no.'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

Do you have any other skills?

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'You lack the expertise we're looking for, Mr Wheaton - but darn it, I like your attitude.'

'I treat everyone here the same as my family. . . like s**t.'

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"In my old job we were encouraged to run fast and break things."

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

You're next, Mr. Kimble - right after his apple danish.

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

'A short economics test - if you bought something for

"We offer 104 vacation days...otherwise known as weekends."