Insult Aficionados Gifts

If you had awful, disgusting fish-breath, would you want someone to tell you? Nice try, amateur. But you're talking to the woman who wrote "The Art Of The Insult." It was a best-seller in 1941. You just quoted chapter 48, paragraph 7: "The Plausibly Deniable IF-sult." Yeah. Right, you made that up. Nice try. Chapter 42: "Sarcastic Dismiss-sult."

'The good news is I had a very good year.'

"What are you looking at, four eyes?"

Joe's 'Take Responsibility For Your Own Actions' Bar.

"C'mon people! All for me and me for me!"

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

'Does it bother anyone else that our entire business is based on one questionable product?'

"...our Annual Report has been criticised for lack of clarity - well done!"

'Who's the new guy?'

"You want to know why I drink?. . . I drink to forget!"

"My Weight Watchers meeting's tonight. I'd better get inside."

"Fancy dyeing your hair white so everyone could see it was you who played a shocker!"

Procrastinators Incorporated

'My thesis was entitled 'Tears of a Clown: Irony or Paradox?''

Antiwar Democrats Get Tough

"These days they prefer to harass me on twitter."

'Do you have anything right on the beach, but not so near the water?'

'The popularity polls love what you've done with the budget deficit....moving the decimal one point to the left.'

Why can't you use the brains God gave you? Oh, shoot, I think this is Bob's.

"Bentley, I don't care if you are my heir apparent. Stop peeking in here fifty times a day!"

"Can't fool me, Jake, there's a coach comin' in!"

Geekasaurus.

'You dirty, snivelling, low down, arrogant son of a gin-swilling kleptomaniac.'

'Welcome to the Business Ethics course. Today we're going to start with the basics.'

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

Revenge Of The Tipped Cows

'Of course, Mr. Handley here is the one who does all the hiring and firing.'

Career counselor: 'If you want a great job, that won't be exported, get into politics.'

Welcome. National Association of People Padding their Resumes with National Associations. And I think you'll agree, our pointless seminars have some really great titles this year!

"I hate when this happens."

"Can atheists refuse to participate?"

"I told you not to hand in that evaluation form until after we'd docked!"

Santa Enjoys Venison.