Injury-prone Comedians Pillows

'What the... Now Taylor's gone down with a career-ending injury. It's like we're cursed or something.'

"Chaplain, the lord should put warning labels on some of his creations."

Footballer with a broken leg and a ball in his cast.

'This is your lucky day!'

Basketball injuries.

'Said he was fixing the ceiling fan. . .'

"What a darling chihuahua! Is he friendly?"

'But seriously , folks, I know you're out there, I can hear you bleeding!'

Drunks brought into A&E: Alcohol and Emergent Sick.

'It's an old work injury.'

"He's brutal but considerate - that's his victims' support number, NHS direct."

'I tried to slam a revolving door.'

'Well, Mr. Swine, it looks like you pulled a hamstring.'

'Occupation?'

'He's so unlucky that he gets into accidents that started happening to someone else.'

'He should be okay, it's just a little tap on the head.'

'Chainsaw Championships.'

'Very funny!'

'I do love you, but anything you say, ever, will be remembered and may be used in evidence against you.'

"I swapped my 'couch to 5K' training app for a '5K to couch' one!"

'The hook was too dangerous.'

'I'm on the back stretch, about halfway down...I think it's a pulled hamstring.'

Pitchers arm falls off.

'It's his ankle - get some ice!!'

Tombstones have names of vegetables on them.

'He tried to jump over the net.'

"Then it struck me - nobody originally on the Paleo Diet lived past 35."

'No I won't kiss it better!'

Don't tell me, you want another sick note!

Road Rage in the Afterlife

Resolutions: Avoid Stuff that's bad for you. . Stop lyring to yourself about making resolutions.