Inheriting Staff Gifts

"And lastly you have Cedric, our oldest ghost employee..."

'What sort of mission statement is that?'

Academic Idol - 'Professor Johannsen's paper was zippy. It had robust vocabulary and I almost felt that I could dance to it. I would give it a 7.'

Multi-tasking.

"The president demands that staff take responsibility for failures, and the multi-trillion deficit is down to YOU!"

'These are job perks.'

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

'Say, our stress control seminar worked! Our sales are way down...but so what if they are.'

'The ultimate sign of success is when no one puts you on hold.'

Stressed employee says to colleague: 'I think I'm on top of the situation and I hope I'm in the loop, but I can't seem to get ahead of the curve.'

'Congratulations Smith, you got that promotion. Commiserations Reid, you got that demotion.'

Busy office.

"Political Science... that's in the Department of Performing Arts."

'Once, long ago, I thought I was wrong...but it turned out I was mistaken.'

'Normally, I would give credit where credit is due but we're in a credit crunch. Therefore, I will take all the credit for your hard work on this project.'

'You obviously took my suggestion to reduce stress to the extreme.'

"I'm giving you a 300% salary increase, and four months paid leave."

Brainstorm in progress.

The role of administration.

'Look Jefferson, much as I respect your emphasis of the informal approach...'

"The after-dinner mint is the boss's idea. I think it's superfluous."

'Brains...brains...brains...'

'It was at this point that the executive group began its hatha flow retreats.'

Academic Jeopardy - "The great unknowns and cosmic uncertainties of the universe are reduced by this number daily."

Sales.

"I intend to stay in this job, come Hell or high water."

'At this juncture in my presentation, I'd like to dispense with the illusion of coherence.'

'Stevens, get in here. I need a few minutes with the left side of your brain.'

"I'm glad you felt able to get that off your chest...now could we discuss next year's targets?"

Around here it got a little tricky...

"It was a mom-and-pop, but we inherited it."

'And Steven here takes care of the donkey work.'

Occupant.

'It's my spare tire. Why do you ask?'

'Miss Hartley, implement me a coffee and a cheese danish.'