Impatient Waiter Gifts

"All we know is it happened between the hours of 9 A.M. and 4 P.M."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"How can you be out of wings?"

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Stephen and I are today's special."

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

'Your French dip, sir.'

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

'A cheeky red?'

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

Diner.

"The fish sticks here are very good."

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

"Even the waiters here are organic."

'You complimented the chef on his dumplings -now he wishes to return the compliments!'

'‘Because I said so' or ‘Just wait until you have kids of your own' section?'

T-Bones STEAK House...NO sissy salad bar!...Heimlich expert always on duty'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'I want to make a positive environmental statement - What do you suggest I order?'

"Who ordered the double chocolate parfait with a cherry on top?"

'No ice.'

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

'If this is tea, I'll have a coffee. If it's a coffee, I'll have a tea!'

"You said the cauliflower is locally grown – would you elaborate?"

Champagne

'Do you have any catsup?'

'My diet's good...I'm two weeks ahead of schedule.'

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'