Identity Theft Humorists Gifts

'I'm here due to an identity theft.'

Middle-Age Superheroes

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"I'm Rapunzel. You want Juliet – next tower over."

"Whenever it comes, Glenda, my death will be untimely."

"O.K., one last big rhubarb score. But then I'm out of the pie game for good."

Try again - Your password has to include barks, growls, whines and at least one yap.

"Actually, I'm pretty sure aging naturally and aging gracefully are mutually exclusive."

The Mafia Goes Green.

"Identity theft hotline? Yes, it's Dracula again. Millions of people are still stealing my identity on Halloween."

'Hello, security.'

"Warren's too cautious to cure his mid-life crisis with a motorcycle, so he's rebelling by driving shirtless."

"I'm investigating the theft of a breadcrumb by an ant matching your description."

The Mafia isn't what it used to be...

"She barks once for drugs, twice for weapons, and ten times for candy bars."

"Remember, we're an enlightened group. We victimize everyone. No hate crimes for us."

Short on top, medium on the sides, and not bald in back.

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

'Yes, Fluffy was a great dog and to honor her memory, we've decided to keep her name as part of our computer password.'

'Actually, we're members of a mountain climbing club named for sir Edmund Hillary.'

Early Ram Raids

'Hello, Mum!'

'She says her wrinkles are laughter lines, but nothing is that funny!'

An identity thief takes the stand.

Same Sexless Marriage

Night Deposits.

"What's my password? Oh yeah... 'OnCe upona thimeh.'"

'You got the wrong guy. I'm not a guru, I'm a consultant.'

Fabric Company: No tulle left in this vehicle overnight

Beware of the teddy

'Didn't I read your last book, find it absolutely disgusting and vow never to read another, or was that someone else?'

Cuffwear, 2004

"I'm going to need a hug, Maurice - it's from the A.A.R.P."

Police artist drawing a snarling dog while an injured cat desribes him

"Beware of owner."