Identity Humorist Pillows

"I finally memorized my bug number."

'Actually, we're members of a mountain climbing club named for sir Edmund Hillary.'

'You got the wrong guy. I'm not a guru, I'm a consultant.'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Football Chameleon

"Quick, Lassie, go get I.T.!"

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Suddenly, you’re a fan of New England stone work?"

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"I'm Rapunzel. You want Juliet – next tower over."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"Our cloud computing services include IaaS, PaaS, SaaS, NaaS, CaaS...and BaaS!"

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

'I, Dom Perignon, will now uncork the very first bottle of Champagne. Of course, I'm just guessing this is the right way to do it.'

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

TECHNICAL SUPPORT, 'Have you tried pounding it with your fist?'

Paunch and Judy.

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.

Lady Liberty's Self-Care

'How much are your upside-down cakes? 99p.'

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'