Hypochondria Chuckles Gifts

"Trust me, Doc, it's quicker if I tell you what doesn't hurt."

'I checked the database, Mrs. Nimitz. There's no such symptom.'

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

Hand Sanitizer Man, beloved superhero of every workplace in the world.

Providing Healthcare For All

'Well, what do I have?...Within reason, of course.'

"So I'm perfectly healthy? That's good but will I still be able to research symptoms online and panic?"

"Your test results are in...now the interpretations can begin."

"It's interpret-your-own-test-results day today."

'There's no such thing as 'ookawooka-itis' -- You have got to stop watching doctor shows!'

'I've been googling your condition and I'm afraid to say...I think I might have it myself.'

'I hope what I have isn't catching.'

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

"Your's may be a case of hypochondria so I'm going to refer you to an imaginary colleague."

'I told you not to look up your ailments on the internet' - computer screen reads 'You have 3 days to live',

A poem: With daylight's shift, winter draws near...

Hypochondria Hospital

"Your test results are perfect and there is nothing wrong with you. We will operate on you for it tomorrow."

'It's restless leg syndrome, I just know it.'

'I just came back from the allergist. I'm allergic to life.'

'Colds! Sore throats! Flue! Did anyone ever tell you you're a hypochondriac?'

"The doctors say you're not doing enough to diagnose yourself."

CENTER FOR DISEASE CONTROL, 'Emergency, sir! -- Hypochondria has reached epidemic proportions!'

"Apparently reading about cancer can give you cancer!"

'No, you haven't missed much. Pretty well everyone called in sick.'

'Even I didn't realize it was a disease.'

Are you sure you're not holding your breath?

'The good news is it's not bird flu.'

'You have a harmless but highly irritating form of nervous disorder we call D.Y.I. - Diagnosing Yourself on the Internet.'

Stay away from Pigs.

'I'm convinced I've got page 68 of my medical dictionary, doctor!'

'What seems to be the problem?' - 'I've got bubonic plague.' - 'Okay... so what symptoms do you have?' - 'Well, I feel chilly and I had a muscle cramp. They're both symptoms of plague.' - 'I hate Wikipedia.' - 'It says here that you should prescribe...'

'While I'm here, Doctor . . .'

Health MOT's will attract 'worried well': I've looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I've got ALL these life threatening illnesses.

Hospital. Patient to stomach specialist: 'What's your gut-feeling, Doctor?'