Hypochondriac Chuckler Gifts

'The tests indicate your worries are groundless and your complaints moronic.'

'I checked the database, Mrs. Nimitz. There's no such symptom.'

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

Hand Sanitizer Man, beloved superhero of every workplace in the world.

Providing Healthcare For All

'Well, what do I have?...Within reason, of course.'

"So I'm perfectly healthy? That's good but will I still be able to research symptoms online and panic?"

"Your test results are in...now the interpretations can begin."

'There's no such thing as 'ookawooka-itis' -- You have got to stop watching doctor shows!'

'I hope what I have isn't catching.'

'I've been googling your condition and I'm afraid to say...I think I might have it myself.'

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

'I told you not to look up your ailments on the internet' - computer screen reads 'You have 3 days to live',

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

Hypochondria Hospital

"Your test results are perfect and there is nothing wrong with you. We will operate on you for it tomorrow."

"I think I'm coming down with something."

'He hasn't responded to training - he still insists on taking Alec to his slippers....'

'It's restless leg syndrome, I just know it.'

'I just came back from the allergist. I'm allergic to life.'

"The doctors say you're not doing enough to diagnose yourself."

'Colds! Sore throats! Flue! Did anyone ever tell you you're a hypochondriac?'

'I know just how you feel.'

CENTER FOR DISEASE CONTROL, 'Emergency, sir! -- Hypochondria has reached epidemic proportions!'

"Apparently reading about cancer can give you cancer!"

"Hypochondriac's handbook. A little passion project I'm working on;, or, rather, I would be working on."

'No, you haven't missed much. Pretty well everyone called in sick.'

'Even I didn't realize it was a disease.'

Are you sure you're not holding your breath?

'The good news is it's not bird flu.'

'What seems to be the problem?' - 'I've got bubonic plague.' - 'Okay... so what symptoms do you have?' - 'Well, I feel chilly and I had a muscle cramp. They're both symptoms of plague.' - 'I hate Wikipedia.' - 'It says here that you should prescribe...'

'While I'm here, Doctor . . .'

Health MOT's will attract 'worried well': I've looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I've got ALL these life threatening illnesses.

Hospital. Patient to stomach specialist: 'What's your gut-feeling, Doctor?'

'I can only describe it as one of those symptoms that goes away whenever I see a doctor.'