Husband's Passing Pillows

'I'm sorry, but your husband's life insurance policy only covered his eighth life.'

Shepherd and eurydice

At the end of each day, Gary had approximately 7 minutes of free time – which left him feeling very vulnerable.

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"I was with you right up to the cumin."

"He can't decide which one he likes best. . .His leaf blower, his weed wacker, or his metal detector."

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

Larry's used art

'Let the creepy crawly hunt begin!'

Killer Executive Suits.

"I built this tree house for my kids. But it's so private, I've decided to use it as my home office."

"Hulk no can be mad at Mr. Puppy Face"

"The data looks good, sir, but the vibes are mucho heavioso."

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

'So let me see if I've got it straight. It was a very large squirrel and your husband is a nut.'

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

"What's a patent?"

"Now, were those friends of your Gettys or Gottis?"

'Behold. Ed and Jim have finally reached nirvana.'

It's a Whole Field of Paisley!

Barbequer wears apron with 'Beer in -beer out' slogan.

Dear, could you please pick up some batteries? The ones in the remote are dead and I feel like I'm Amish.

"I'm sorry, Your Majesty. It's always my intention to leave you laughing."

"Talk nerdy to me."

"He's got no clue how easy he has it compared to his ancestors."

"Stephen and I are today's special."

Batman at the Maternity Ward

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

'Manager. . . Commander. . . Chieftain. . . King!'

"You can access me by saying simply 'Agnes.' It is not necessary to add 'dot com.' "

'The meaning of communinication is the response we get'

"You haven't got dyslexia- the instructions are in polish."

Dietician to man: 'To address your spare tire we must first get in touch with your inner tube.'

'Honey, I wish you wouldn't bring your work home with you!'