Humorous Outlook Enthusiast Gifts

"My new year resolutions were to continue eating, drinking, smoking and gambling...and I've stuck to all of them!"

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

Trappist Monk Discord

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

'What does it say, Dad?'

"Nous somme desir-eh, go, er, allez, erm, universitaire français, s'il vous plait."

HELLth Food Sprouts

"What do you mean blood sucking pest? You're the one who invited me into your life!"

'If I believed in aptitude tests I'd still be washing cars in Accrington,.'

"True, a salary cap on Wall Street may limit the talent pool, but, on the other hand, if they get any more talented we'll all be broke."

'As you can see,we run a completely paperless office.'

'In today's market hyperbole was up sharply. Similes and metaphors held relatively steady with euphemisms hitting another record low.'

'Looks like the perfect time to bring in our profit sharing scheme.'

World Food Summit - No food and drink allowed in the auditorium.

"...in other news: Google has been admitted to the United Stations..."

What happened when the bond issues failed during the building of the Great Wall of China: The Great Picket Fence of China.

"I liked it better when it was 'don't ask, don't tell the New York Times'."

'Staffers don't report we're managing decline. They report we met our targets and did out job!'

Crime in bookshop

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

"Actually, you do have a racist bone in your body."

"I'm a common dolphin, I swim the west coast of Scotland foraging for fish and squid."

Men Working Things Out

Clone Factory

Man on left - 'What do you call a public servant who spends half their time doing private work?' Man on right - 'An MP?'

Militant Pacifists

"Cartoonist are harmless? Not at all!! These people have weapons!! Here, see for yourself!"

Pokemon Get Lost

Party-Crashing Ban

"We did our best for your husband but his poor old health insurance was too weak..."

'Not only can I not find the middle class tax cut, I can't find the middle class.'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'In my opinion, hold out for a doctor.'

"As I understand, we stop refugees making dangerous journeys to a safe countey and offer them safe passage to a dangerous one..."

"Inactivists"