Humorist In Decor Pillows

"You know they're just plastic, and I know they're just plastic, but take them down."

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

Frog to other frog: 'Hey, nice pad.'

'I've had the place gob-stopper-dashed.'

'Oh, just chuck it in a corner somewhere...'

Duvet nailed to the floor.

"Buying the largest TV on the market was a good idea. Mounting it was not."

Dog Bookends

Shaker furniture: The flamboyant years.

"Reproduction furniture."

"The carpet really brings the room together."

'When we converted the pub into a house, we decided to keep some of the original features.'

Valentines for Real Estate

Goldfish in Bowl, "And this is the sitting room and the bedroom and the toilet and...."

"We'll take it."

"Well, you did say that you were just looking for something to get you started on the property ladder."

Budget Recliner

"Look, you always hated the wicker furniture and bamboo is scarce, so consider it a win-win."

'Beats me why I took this place. No en-suite, no walk-in robe and no dining room!'

Estate agents lined up for sale during house-price slump.

"I'll carry you over a regular threshold, darling, as soon as the housing market improves."

Landlord holding back a tennant from his money: 'It's all part of the service!'

'The principal says her door is always open, until it slams shut when you're in there!'

'I see this one is detached. Yes, the ones on either side fell down.'

'...There's been a 20% rise in the length of time our house been on the market'

Man escaping prisoner via feng shui

"Her name is 'Precious', but her nickname is 'why we can't have nice things.'"

"Were you aware you'll need to sign over your wife & kids as collateral in order to secure this property?"

"There's slipping in the bath then there's slipping in the bath."

'I think the flat screen TV goes well next to my flat headed husband.'

"Do you know what DFS stands for? Designed for Scratching."

Duck has human t-shirts on wall.