Humorist Extrordinaire Gifts

This would be Andy's first and last day as golf instructor at Sunset Oaks Country Club: "Remember, *hic*....Always jerk your head up and swing at the ball as hard as you can."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"Are you the one they call El Cóndor?"

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"Good lord, Billingsworth. You've stumbled onto the legendary Lepidopterist Graveyard."

The world's first exploding cricket box...

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

"If there is a heaven, why do we end up as fossil fuel?"

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

'Sorry...you're not quite right for the position.'

Lab studies suggest that a human growth pill is just around the corner.

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.

"I think, therefore I am depressed."

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'