Humorist Expat Pillows

After purchasing a smartphone with advanced GPS, Mitch pinpoints his current location and realizes that within the past 25 years he had never really moved one inch in either direction.

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

A Copy Editor and His Dog

"After the drugstore, I need you to find fresh parmesan."

A man sees Zeus throwing lightning bolts on the balcony of his apartment.

"Sorry, you're only allowed one carrion."

"This is all we have available. It has an accordian front door, a shelf, a phone, and a spectacular view."

'It was this big. I swear'

Evolution Of The Jet Ski

Pirates at the mall.

'When we all get together, we sure are vulgar.'

"'Burned out,' Parker?- I wasn't aware you ever even 'caught fire.'"

Vegan Restaurant: ''amburgers! Sausages! RISSOLES!'

"Word has it Earthlings have been using some of our people for cruel scientific experiments."

No, that's "Virginia Wolf" with one "o."

Man watches a cat enter a pet door to a "V.I.P. Lounge" in an airport

"Monsieur has just ordered a vasectomy..."

'One carry-on!'

'My husband, Bill, works at the airport - I still haven't opened my birthday presents from three years ago.'

"We don't have knock-knock jokes on Christmas."

"Do you think those clams we ate were a little off?"

'You can come back in, King Kong. The superintendent got the door open.'

"You know, crime doesn't pay... at least at your level."

'You got much on at the moment?'; 'No, nothing really.' (Naked man)

"Hey how do you spell Abominable?"

Baggage Reclaim

Airport Security. Sir, one of your tubs is empty. That one's got my dignity!

'I could murder a pint!'

'Did you Gack this suitcase yourself, sir?'

'Don't worry, I have this procedure down pat.'

"May I recommend the pumpkin seeds to starts?"

"On what planet do you imagine this would be funny?"

Canadian wildfires

Thirteen states sounds so unlucky --- Are you sure we can't Nova Scotia to join?

Cook complaining to milkman