Humorist Expat Pillows

After purchasing a smartphone with advanced GPS, Mitch pinpoints his current location and realizes that within the past 25 years he had never really moved one inch in either direction.

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

A Copy Editor and His Dog

A man sees Zeus throwing lightning bolts on the balcony of his apartment.

"After the drugstore, I need you to find fresh parmesan."

"Sorry, you're only allowed one carrion."

"This is all we have available. It has an accordian front door, a shelf, a phone, and a spectacular view."

'It was this big. I swear'

Pirates at the mall.

Evolution Of The Jet Ski

'When we all get together, we sure are vulgar.'

"'Burned out,' Parker?- I wasn't aware you ever even 'caught fire.'"

Vegan Restaurant: ''amburgers! Sausages! RISSOLES!'

Man watches a cat enter a pet door to a "V.I.P. Lounge" in an airport

"Monsieur has just ordered a vasectomy..."

'One carry-on!'

"We don't have knock-knock jokes on Christmas."

'My husband, Bill, works at the airport - I still haven't opened my birthday presents from three years ago.'

"Do you think those clams we ate were a little off?"

'You got much on at the moment?'; 'No, nothing really.' (Naked man)

"You know, crime doesn't pay... at least at your level."

'You can come back in, King Kong. The superintendent got the door open.'

'I could murder a pint!'

Baggage Reclaim

'Don't worry, I have this procedure down pat.'

"May I recommend the pumpkin seeds to starts?"

Canadian wildfires

"On what planet do you imagine this would be funny?"

"We'll now start boarding Group 9... Please remember your inferiority as you walk past the other groups, you cheap, dirty, cretins."

"Call a veterinary, chief. I think he's got a kidney infection..."