Humor Connoisseur Pillows

'You have recessive jeans for plumbing.'

'Your ego seems to be your primary problem.'

'Well, Dad, it's 2:00 AM and we've been messing with her all night...'

Whistle-blower.

'I thought I would rent it out for the extra dough.'

Mattress sale

'We'll be putting you in the 'crabby neighbor', demographic.'

'How'd you get my shell phone number?'

'You obviously took my suggestion to reduce stress to the extreme.'

Wordilly Durdillies - Woody Alien

'Could you help me? My parents are lost.'

'That's the trouble with being a termite. You eat yourself out of house and home!'

Lawyer's baby first word: whiplash!

'They say pot makes you less motivated, but I've already been to Taco Bell eleven times today.'

"Did you put garlic in the pasta?"

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

'Ok, so that came out wrong... But I'm definitely not a racist...I mean, I have tons of black friends.'

'I'll make my final decision on that promotion of yours, after this game.'

Robert Redford (Just Kidding!).

After school club

Professional Glass-Blowing Demonstration.

"Gosh! I had no idea that the optic nerve covered the entire body!!"

"Is that snow? We never get snow around here...what do we do?"

'Where do I complain about the complaints department?'

'I couldn't get life insurance. Turns out that curiosity is a pre-existing condition.'

"It wasn't my time that upset me, it was being overtaken by a walrus carrying a tea tray."

"Every Thursday I do her nails."

'Stocks decline on news there is more to fear than fear itself.'

Surprised chicken: 'I know. I can't believe it either.'

Alien asking for Bernard manning's autograph

'Poor Icarus - He thought he'd consider everything.'

'Psssst! I think you have your outfit on backwards.'

'Let's git naked!'

'I would like to forward a motion to end this ceaseless bleating of idiots.'

Average Joes: The Magazine for Celebrities