Humor Connoisseur Mugs

'Your ego seems to be your primary problem.'

Whistle-blower.

'Well, Dad, it's 2:00 AM and we've been messing with her all night...'

'I thought I would rent it out for the extra dough.'

Mattress sale

'How'd you get my shell phone number?'

'We'll be putting you in the 'crabby neighbor', demographic.'

'You obviously took my suggestion to reduce stress to the extreme.'

'That's the trouble with being a termite. You eat yourself out of house and home!'

Lawyer's baby first word: whiplash!

'Could you help me? My parents are lost.'

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

'I'll make my final decision on that promotion of yours, after this game.'

"Did you put garlic in the pasta?"

'Ok, so that came out wrong... But I'm definitely not a racist...I mean, I have tons of black friends.'

Average Joes: The Magazine for Celebrities

Let to water, wouldn't drink, kicked off farm.

'I couldn't get life insurance. Turns out that curiosity is a pre-existing condition.'

"Every Thursday I do her nails."

After school club

'Stocks decline on news there is more to fear than fear itself.'

"It wasn't my time that upset me, it was being overtaken by a walrus carrying a tea tray."

"Gosh! I had no idea that the optic nerve covered the entire body!!"

Alien asking for Bernard manning's autograph

'Let's git naked!'

Robert Redford (Just Kidding!).

Professional Glass-Blowing Demonstration.

'Where do I complain about the complaints department?'

'Now, this gentleman wants to take all your money and you want to keep it -- it seems to me that we have the basis for an equitable COMPROMISE.'

Surprised chicken: 'I know. I can't believe it either.'

'Poor Icarus - He thought he'd consider everything.'

"Is that snow? We never get snow around here...what do we do?"

"Hello, customer support? My server appears to be down."

"OK, now another guy found a feather in his soup! One of you is molting, and I need to know who!"

'Psssst! I think you have your outfit on backwards.'