Humid Humorist Gifts

Dear thaint Patrick you no drive me away, pleath no drive thnake anywhere. Danger noodle get car-thick.

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"This hotel room must be dry. There's a cactus growing out of my suitcase."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Beware of the Dog Hair.

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"Are you the one they call El Cóndor?"

Professor of Fuzzy Logic.

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

'You certainly lived a remarkable life. Any chance you'll get over yourself?'

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

(Maps to the Homes of the Steers) (Maps $ 100)

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

'Ok, so we agree that we're going to throw them into the cactus.'

Paunch and Judy.

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.

'How much are your upside-down cakes? 99p.'

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."

"A man threatens to destroy town with army of turtles after dispute with city hall. Local authorities initiate a shell-ter in place in preparation for the noc-turtle invasion."

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'