Hr Practices Pillows

'For some strange reason personnel want us to review our equal opportunities employment policies!'

'Before we hire you, Madame Sousatzka will tell us your chances of ever getting sick.'

"According to current research, retention is helped by providing training and appropriate support, there's no mention of chaining people to their desks!"

'We've replaced the hiring bonus and the health coverage with a promise of a job.'

'Leave us your suggestions here.' (The suggestion box is a shredder)

"Thank you for making my decision to fire you, that much easier."

"Fred, I'll be blunt: You lack inner toughness!"

'Charles, we hired you distinctly because you're a people person.'

"Judging by the expressions on the employees' faces, I don't think this is a good place to work."

"You have great references, but next time just list them on your resume."

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

"Every applicant undergoes a rigorous background check and a thorough sniffing from Humphrey."

'It would help if you updated your resume.'

'Miss Peterson will be with you as soon as she goes through a few other resumes.'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Good, so do I.'

'We have a dilemma in our hiring policy, we can't hire anyone with a low IQ, but only an idiot would work here.'

"So how long have you been working the business?"

'When people started offering 'Golden Hellos' they didn't realise what a disaster it would be for the business.'

"We've cut out a lot of unnecessary middle management, or at least I think we have... There's no one left in HR to do a headcount!"

"We're having to go further than EVER to get the right people!"

'I see by your resume that you've been my loyal twitter follower.'

'What bothers me about these meetings is even though it's work, I have the nagging feeling I ought to leave and get back to work.'

"You've got your corner office, so what more do you want?"

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"My email is down... talk to me."

"This position has become very important to the company."

Businesswoman Empowerment

"Stock options for your thoughts."

'What sort of mission statement is that?'

Brian wanted to call the presentation "Synergy". Paula wanted to call it "Cooperation". They could never agree.

"Well, ordinary men have colleagues. Successful men have victims."

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"Give a sh*t" "Don't give a sh*t"