Hr Humor Lover Pillows

'You can't retire. You know too much. You might talk.'

Goldilocks Human Resources...Over qualified...Under qualified...Just right!

'Applicants should be under 25 with 40 years experience.'

"Tell us something we don't know."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

Meet New VP Hiring & Firing

"So that's a 'No' to a rise then?"

"I have to say candidate two made a very good impression."

"It's a lesson to us all...stuff left on social networking sites can return to haunt you in later life."

'Elaine, no interruptions for the next ten seconds please.'

'Here on your application it says you have narcolepsy. What exactly is that?'

"Have you been convicted of a violent crime in the past 10 days?"

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

'I hate leaving work when I feel I could have delegated more.'

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

"Hold my calls, Kimberly. I'm with a ball of string."

'I'm promoting you to project coordinator because you seem to have an overall view of things.'

'What's wrong now?'

'Does your mother know you keep a messy office?'

'I have much less stress since I replaced my in box with a paper shredder.'

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

'Yes, can I help you?'

"I made money the old fashioned way. I inherited it."

'You can drop all the hints you like, Jones. We're not buying you a computer.'

'You earned this corner office by cutting corners...'

'I'm sure he was a great guy, but there's a new Pharaoh in town.'

'Stop saying 'how high?' until I say 'jump'.'

'What a CV - if you can write memos like this you'll go far in our organisation.'

'I give this one about three months...'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

'Say, our stress control seminar worked! Our sales are way down...but so what if they are.'