Hr Humor Buff Pillows

"Your resume is impressive but frankly, the manslaughter charges concern me."

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"We need volunteers for the car chasing fundraiser."

'Yes, can I help you?'

"The boss likes people with strong convictions. You're hired."

'I'd give you a raise, but I had to throw tantrums to make my parents give me anything as a kid.'

'A High-pain job? Yes, I believe we have that.'

Suggestions box in a toilet.

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

"Sorry, we don't hire people with a history of whistle blowing."

"First the good news - one of us hasn't been made redundant."

'I'll need more than I can spend.'

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

'I'd like you to become a smaller, lower-paid version of myself.'

'The last guy I worked for kept me on a short leash.'

'Says here you can tear phonebooks in half? Well, security could use a man like you in our shredding department!'

"I've downloaded an app to hire and fire people."

"We had to lay off most of the staff to pay for the recruitment and training of new staff to replace the staff we laid off."

"I have to say candidate two made a very good impression."

'In a sentence or two, Gibbs.'

'A word in my office Jones.'

'And all the executive board members got lovely big payouts and lived happily ever after!'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

'I wish I could fire people as well as Donald Trump.'

Casual Friday at the Zoo. Penguins.

'Have you met my vice-presidents?'

'Just because I'm Overpaid doesn't mean You're Underpaid.'

"The firm is always appointed above competence levels, you topped out at paperclip."

'Elaine, no interruptions for the next ten seconds please.'

'The really scary part is that he is the new head of human resources.'

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

Rudy, from now on I'm going to answer all employee requests through Twitter. Publicly? Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. That's right. If you have a valid request, you should have no problem with the entire world hearing it. Now, what was that again about you needing time off for a proctology appointment? Never mind. Hold on ... composing a tweet ... How do you spell "polyp" again?

"Good: I see you're fluent in nonsense."

"Don't be irreplaceable, because if you can't be replaced...you can't be promoted."

'Interesting resume, would you mind if I kept it overnight? I'd like to take it home with me...and scare the living daylight out of my kids.'