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'You've impressed the interview panel, but our handwriting analyst has determined that you're insane.'

'It really hacks me off when people criticise our trainee recruitment process...'

'Says here you can tear phonebooks in half? Well, security could use a man like you in our shredding department!'

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"And where have you previously moused?"

"The article you sent me on how technology causes stress crashed my computer."

'Recent studies in primate colonies suggest that organizational performance can be improved by replacing complicated financial incentives with bananas.'

'Yes, can I help you?'

"...But of course we'll still be friends on Facebook!"

"You're hired. Now, I'll show you your desk, the break room, and the dented wall you're allowed to beat your head against."

"Here's some of my work for you to do. It should be a refreshing change...for me."

"On a positive note, he's not our boss. He's the guy who stole our boss's identity."

"Here's to non-electric sharpeners."

"I can't decide who gets the promotion, so we'll settle it with a rope toy Tug O' War."

'Face it, we're never going to reach a consensus.'

'A High-pain job? Yes, I believe we have that.'

'In the computer simulation he said he admired my candor and gave me a raise.'

Should not have put that suggestion in the suggestion box.'

Suggestions box in a toilet.

"I was going to tell you it's a jungle out there, but I realize that's probably old news to you."

"Sorry, we don't hire people with a history of whistle blowing."

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

...The computer says you can handle 20 more work

"First the good news - one of us hasn't been made redundant."

'She finally made employee of the month but she paid the ultimate price.'

"It's a shame, excellent recommendations and a superb skill set but lacks the boiling hot all consuming ambition and ruthless desire for self promotion required as head of stationary procurement."

'I've collected my memos into one reasonably priced gift book.'

Batsford doesn't suffer fools gladly.

'It's not fair. Women doing the same job I'm doing in this office are being paid more than I am!'

'Remember, my door is always open Higgins, just be careful of the trap door.'

'We're very proud of you, Jenkins. Keep up the good work.'

'Remember you told me to be friendly to your boss.'

"Maybe our beloved founder is trying to tell us something."

"Confounded spell checker... never catches anything."