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'They made a mistake when firing you, but corrected it with a stop-payment on your severance pay check.'

Long interview wait

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

'Yes, can I help you?'

'A High-pain job? Yes, I believe we have that.'

"Sorry, we don't hire people with a history of whistle blowing."

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

"First the good news - one of us hasn't been made redundant."

'I'll need more than I can spend.'

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

"We had to lay off most of the staff to pay for the recruitment and training of new staff to replace the staff we laid off."

"I have to say candidate two made a very good impression."

'The last guy I worked for kept me on a short leash.'

"I've downloaded an app to hire and fire people."

'Says here you can tear phonebooks in half? Well, security could use a man like you in our shredding department!'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

'I wish I could fire people as well as Donald Trump.'

'Interesting resume, would you mind if I kept it overnight? I'd like to take it home with me...and scare the living daylight out of my kids.'

"Good: I see you're fluent in nonsense."

"I can handle a wide variety of work. In fact I've had ten different jobs in four months."

'Elaine, no interruptions for the next ten seconds please.'

'The really scary part is that he is the new head of human resources.'

Rudy, from now on I'm going to answer all employee requests through Twitter. Publicly? Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. That's right. If you have a valid request, you should have no problem with the entire world hearing it. Now, what was that again about you needing time off for a proctology appointment? Never mind. Hold on ... composing a tweet ... How do you spell "polyp" again?

"The firm is always appointed above competence levels, you topped out at paperclip."

"Why have you called the new post 'assistant deputy administrative project support?" "Because it sounded better than 'skivvy'."

"I'm sure he's a fine boy, but we prefer interviewing your son in person."

'You've impressed the interview panel, but our handwriting analyst has determined that you're insane.'

"You are adequately qualified, Mr. Harris, but I'm afraid I'll be hiring somebody else as I don't think I can stand looking at your stupid little face all day long."

"Tell us something we don't know."

'There's new evidence that my departure from my previous employer merely coincided with their brain drain.'

'Here's your report card... I mean, review.'

The job interview was more thorough than roger had anticipated.

'Call this one -I like short resumes.'

"I was sick - sick in Hawaii."

I'm sorry, but your drug screen results disqualify you as an employment candidate, You see, sample 'A' is a normal brain, sample 'B' is a normal brain on drugs, and sample 'C',,, Well, Mr, Dumpty, sample 'C' is your brain,