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Unskilled Meets Clueless

Rudy, from now on I'm going to answer all employee requests through Twitter. Publicly? Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. That's right. If you have a valid request, you should have no problem with the entire world hearing it. Now, what was that again about you needing time off for a proctology appointment? Never mind. Hold on ... composing a tweet ... How do you spell "polyp" again?

'The face that you've been able to get parole three times is impressive!'

'Inadequate, insecure, obsessive lacking in empathy or commitment...excellent, when can you start?'

'Money is a bit tight at the moment, so instead of cash we wondered whether you'd settle for 20% more meaningless protestations of how much we value you?'

'Yes, can I help you?'

'The last guy I worked for kept me on a short leash.'

"We had to hire a replacement while you were gone. What? You never left?"

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

'A High-pain job? Yes, I believe we have that.'

Suggestions box in a toilet.

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

"Sorry, we don't hire people with a history of whistle blowing."

"Greetings, Earthling - Are you a worker or a drone?"

"First the good news - one of us hasn't been made redundant."

'I'll need more than I can spend.'

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

"This just in — I no longer have a job."

'Says here you can tear phonebooks in half? Well, security could use a man like you in our shredding department!'

"We had to lay off most of the staff to pay for the recruitment and training of new staff to replace the staff we laid off."

"I've downloaded an app to hire and fire people."

"I have to say candidate two made a very good impression."

Giving feedback is a complex process.

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

'You're not being fired Jenkins. It's just that all our colleagues have booted you out of the company.'

'The good news is we're not laying you off. The bad news is we want you to take a 20-year lunch break without pay.'

"Look at them over there, looking all smug with their clients and accounts and stuff."

The Hive, Inc. Think safety! 17 days without a honey boo-boo.

'I wish I could fire people as well as Donald Trump.'

'Actually, I haven't done any work for a month due to technical difficulties.'

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

'Elaine, no interruptions for the next ten seconds please.'

Now Hiring, 'I was about to ask him if he could work without supervision, when he just wandered away!'

"The firm is always appointed above competence levels, you topped out at paperclip."

"Good: I see you're fluent in nonsense."