Household Ruler Pillows

'Does this mean that I'm 'man of the house' now?'

"This happens everytime someone asks to speak to the head of the household."

"Where the hell's my Slinky?"

"Careful. That house has a taser."

The native sweet bay species will make a beautiful grove. They'll give you pleasure and increase your house value! Tree's tree nursery. Hmm

"Not tonight, Jon. I have to clean for the cleaning lady."

"My mom is a vegetarian, so she doesn't bring home the bacon. She brings home kale and quinoa."

A politician's dream come true...

"Here's your sweater back."

'The bad news is the Big Bad Wolf is coming. The good news is I've got some great rates on Homeowner's Insurance!'

Queen.

Whack-A-Chore: "You play it all day, every day, until you can't anymore."

"King and clown—why can't I be both?"

'It's a new record, mom - there are six of us in here!'

"Why, this is fit for me!"

"There's no way God ever intended man to shove a pillow into a pillowcase!"

"I want you both to know that I'm unhappy about the way things are run around here, and there are going to be some changes made..."

'Your Majesty could have gold fish in the moat.'

A man opens his curtains to wake up his cats.

"You owe us more than your house is worth. One of our depositors will be moving in with you to help even things out."

"They are what keeps me going. You wouldn't believe how expensive it is raising three kids."

The Eternal Battle Over Who Is More Tired

"Trust no one."

"Dear diary: Pillage, conquer, scheme, poison — same old thing. Plus, my new robe makes me look fat!"

'Big shots deserve big offices.'

"Does this mean I have to talk to someone I don't know?"

'We named him 'Raisin Bran.' Every morning in the litter box, it's two scoops!'

"I exiled the lot of them. How are your kids?"

"You're in my realm now - keep your hands off the thermostat."

"Le roi s'amuse. Now put your father on the phone."

"I want to be feared as a tyrant, loved as a father, and revered as a god, but I also want them to think I'm funny."

Man has 'NO' built into desk.

"They're little notes he keeps leaving me on how to best utilise my housekeeping time."

"Yes, there is a guaranteed full refund if your husband is still not doing the dishes in two weeks."

'That must be some mouse! Hang on while I get my shotgun.'