Household Ruler Pillows

'Does this mean that I'm 'man of the house' now?'

"This happens everytime someone asks to speak to the head of the household."

"Careful. That house has a taser."

"Not tonight, Jon. I have to clean for the cleaning lady."

"My mom is a vegetarian, so she doesn't bring home the bacon. She brings home kale and quinoa."

"Here's your sweater back."

A politician's dream come true...

'The bad news is the Big Bad Wolf is coming. The good news is I've got some great rates on Homeowner's Insurance!'

"King and clown—why can't I be both?"

'It's a new record, mom - there are six of us in here!'

"Why, this is fit for me!"

Queen.

Whack-A-Chore: "You play it all day, every day, until you can't anymore."

"I want you both to know that I'm unhappy about the way things are run around here, and there are going to be some changes made..."

'Your Majesty could have gold fish in the moat.'

"There's no way God ever intended man to shove a pillow into a pillowcase!"

The Eternal Battle Over Who Is More Tired

"They are what keeps me going. You wouldn't believe how expensive it is raising three kids."

A man opens his curtains to wake up his cats.

"You owe us more than your house is worth. One of our depositors will be moving in with you to help even things out."

"Dear diary: Pillage, conquer, scheme, poison — same old thing. Plus, my new robe makes me look fat!"

"Trust no one."

"Does this mean I have to talk to someone I don't know?"

"I exiled the lot of them. How are your kids?"

"Le roi s'amuse. Now put your father on the phone."

'Big shots deserve big offices.'

'We named him 'Raisin Bran.' Every morning in the litter box, it's two scoops!'

"I want to be feared as a tyrant, loved as a father, and revered as a god, but I also want them to think I'm funny."

Man has 'NO' built into desk.

ACME Exterminators (cat being dragged into a mouse hole

'That must be some mouse! Hang on while I get my shotgun.'

Risks for the heart patient Unloading the Dishwasher "Sorry? No can do." Answering the Land Line R-R-RING! R-R-R-RING! N-nope R-R-RING!!! Doing Taxes "Doc said I should take it easy." Any Car-Related Errand "The old ticker."

"Yes, there is a guaranteed full refund if your husband is still not doing the dishes in two weeks."