Household Chore Dodgers Pillows

Washing Instructions: Have Your Mom Do It.

'Harold, when was the last time you cleaned the pool?!'

'I don't see why I have to pick it up. I'm not responsible for the law of gravity.'

"It's essential I go to work to avoid being with my family."

'When the doctor told you to warm up before exercising, I don't think he meant with hot chocolate and hot cross buns.'

"Let me call you back, Lori. I'm binge-watching John clean the gutters."

An Introvert's Guide to Surviving a Party

'We share the load - she cooks it, I eat it.'

"Why run a marathon when you can sleep through it?"

"Don't you dare try to sneak out of this cartoon!"

'...so I said to Linda, 'I can't do yard work in the rain!''

Gentlemen, I'm off to join the circus

'It's just a recliner with built-in heart rate monitor. But look at how many big inflatable balls are sold as exercise equipment.'

'Three days, four different avoidance routines.'

"I learned that I'm more of a leaf pile jumper and less of a leaf pile raker."

'I follow my doctor's orders religiously. He said for me to spend two hours a day on the tennis court.'

"Do you have a one day a year membership?"

"My voices told me to just relax today!"

'Let's just say, if you were meat, you'd be way past your 'best before' date!'

'Cute girl from philosophy. . . BBQ at Dave's. I wonder if she's going?. . . Flat meeting to talk about me not doing my share.'

"I don't get it. I hired him to workout for me every day, and I still haven't lost any weight."

"No, Senator, I'm afraid stretching the truth doesn't count as yoga."

Pinocchio's autopsy - "Right about here he started cutting gym class."

"The dishes are done. You can come out now."

"I'll do the dishes as soon as I finish learning how to play the piano."

How caffeine interacts with human brain cells.

"What is that creepy sound?" "Don't worry. It's just the ghost of the old dishwasher."

"Now where's that idiot hiding? He was supposed to fix the door."

"We also offer a plan where you just post pictures and skip the exercise."

'Is there any way I can keep on all this weight and still enter the Pro Football Hall of Fame?'

'Oh, Fred does exercise. He takes frequent walks to the refrigerator.'

'I don't need to go to a gym. One of my classroom management strategies is to circulate frequently around the room. I figure I walk three miles a day.'

"Can you get this finished before he wakes up?"

"...And why is it always my job to change the newspaper?..."

"Nice try, but I'm not counting these as your steps. I know you're jst sitting down, eating junk food and stomping your feet on the floor."