House Hunting Aficionados Pillows

"I have an app that alerts me when I'm delusional about be able to afford a property."

"Enough with how great the public schools are. Just tell us – is there a Trader Joe’s nearby?"

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

'I'm retiring soon and looking for something more comfortable...like a loafer.'

'We'll take it!'

Open House of Horrors

"A little baking soda will get rid of the smell.

"I want to live in a neighborhood where I can walk around at night."

"Today on Escape to the Country Emily & Oliver are looking for that special little property in the Cotswolds. So what exactly's going to tick all their boxes?"

'Health Benefits of a Vegan Diet... How the heck did this get here?'

'We do have a property in your price range, but we need a time machine to go back and visit it!'

'I see a carefree lifestyle by a quiet lake. No, wait, my mistake - looks like I called up the real estate section.'

'...and the property lies in a beautiful valley by the banks of the river...'

"No dear- I said I was going to buy you a big PROPER TEA!"

'It is a huge property, originally built by a Condor: Perfect for a large family...'

"The roof is old and leaks. The good news is when it rains you'll get an additional 3 showers."

"Well, it is a good property. The price is low because it is harder to negotiate due to its S-bend configuration."

"And the bathroom has a water view...if you fill the tub."

'Well I think everything is in order, congratulations on your new home!'

"This neighborhood has a strong sense of community that borders on siege mentality."

Couple wanting to buy the estate agents office.

"Architectural Digest calls it 'Twilight chic.'"

"Not too big a garden-my wife tires easily!"

'...and you may notice a few of the previous owner's personal touches.'

"And the kitchen is ideal for people who like to eat out."

"If a sixth borough opens up, I'll let you know."

"This is a lovely three bedroom detached property, with close proximity to Heathrow and the M25!"

"The current owners removed a number of walls and used soft, neutral tones to create a very spacious, open concept."

Man with head in ground: 'I'm not burying my head in the sand, I'm doing the coal mining search myself.'

"They're willing to throw in their kidneys."

"It's a nice unit, but there may be a faint odor from the last tenant..." "Yeah, enough to make you faint."

Letting agent on the phone: 'OK, so there's fungus in the bathroom - but on the plus side, it IS organic.'

'We've talked it over and we've decided we'd like to make an offer.'