House Hunting Aficionados Pillows

"I have an app that alerts me when I'm delusional about be able to afford a property."

"Enough with how great the public schools are. Just tell us – is there a Trader Joe’s nearby?"

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

'I'm retiring soon and looking for something more comfortable...like a loafer.'

'We'll take it!'

Open House of Horrors

"A little baking soda will get rid of the smell.

"I want to live in a neighborhood where I can walk around at night."

"Today on Escape to the Country Emily & Oliver are looking for that special little property in the Cotswolds. So what exactly's going to tick all their boxes?"

'Health Benefits of a Vegan Diet... How the heck did this get here?'

'We do have a property in your price range, but we need a time machine to go back and visit it!'

'I see a carefree lifestyle by a quiet lake. No, wait, my mistake - looks like I called up the real estate section.'

'...and the property lies in a beautiful valley by the banks of the river...'

"Well, it is a good property. The price is low because it is harder to negotiate due to its S-bend configuration."

"No dear- I said I was going to buy you a big PROPER TEA!"

'It is a huge property, originally built by a Condor: Perfect for a large family...'

"The roof is old and leaks. The good news is when it rains you'll get an additional 3 showers."

Realty. Remember

"And the bathroom has a water view...if you fill the tub."

'Well I think everything is in order, congratulations on your new home!'

"This neighborhood has a strong sense of community that borders on siege mentality."

We're looking for a house with a bigger crawl space… Realty.

Black Friday

"Not too big a garden-my wife tires easily!"

'...and you may notice a few of the previous owner's personal touches.'

"Architectural Digest calls it 'Twilight chic.'"

Couple wanting to buy the estate agents office.

"And the kitchen is ideal for people who like to eat out."

"If a sixth borough opens up, I'll let you know."

"This is a lovely three bedroom detached property, with close proximity to Heathrow and the M25!"

"The current owners removed a number of walls and used soft, neutral tones to create a very spacious, open concept."

Man with head in ground: 'I'm not burying my head in the sand, I'm doing the coal mining search myself.'

"They're willing to throw in their kidneys."

'We've talked it over and we've decided we'd like to make an offer.'

Letting agent on the phone: 'OK, so there's fungus in the bathroom - but on the plus side, it IS organic.'