Hotel Humorists T-Shirts

Children welcome in a hotel (as long as they're grown up).

"Can't you holler any louder than that? That's not a very effective wake-up call."

"Apparently our hotel is just a stone's throw from the beach..!"

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

Ice Cream Surgeon

'He's not a pet. He's an endangered species.'

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

'I had considered a career as an offshore commodities broker specialising in securitised asset transfers but the pension wasn't as good.'

"What other tricks does he need?"

The Friendship Between Death and the Doctor.

'They're being damn noisy in the hospitality box next door,'

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

'Look mum and dad! They let me keep my appendix!' - A young book excitedly showing off his appendix to his arriving parents.

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

'It feels warm enough to me.'

"The finger bowl is courtesy of the gentleman."

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

Bed and Breakfast

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

The world's worst restaurant. Now under new bad management.

'Your ten percent tip.'

'Lovely soup, just like my mother used to open.'

'Of all the fern bars in Encino, she's gotta walk into mine.'

AS about Today's Specials' - 'Whatever didn't sell yesterday.'

Mo's USA Bar: Tips/Tariffs

Bed Fellow

"What, exactly, did you say to the maître d'?"

'I'd like to order, please.' - 'Okay, what's your table number?' - 'I don't know.' - 'Find it, weak-minded fool!!' - 'What's our table number?' - 'There is no table number.' - 'There is no table number.' - 'You should have been assigned a table number whe

"At Hooters I'd already have three compliments on my tie!"

"You're in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen."