Hospital Witticist Pillows

"Mr Brown. Are you in for a triple bypass or an ingrown toenail?"

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"We're keeping you overnight because the nurses love you!"

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

"Chaplain, the lord should put warning labels on some of his creations."

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

'But they told me to take her down to theatre...'

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'

Robodoc... the NHS surgeon of the future.

"She fell down stairs again, so this is her third hip."

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

"He's going to be O.K., but he still wants you to remarry."

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'

Woman in hospital has i.v. attached to plant.

'I had considered a career as an offshore commodities broker specialising in securitised asset transfers but the pension wasn't as good.'

Downloading Pregnancy

'Let me guess...it's contagious!'

"Sorry, that's not my table."

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

'Wow! That was quite some push Mrs Smith...'

An organ flies across the room during an operation - 'Catch it...!'

"Nurse, when I asked you to make the patient more comfortable I just meant plump up his pillows!"

'The funny part is that the aerial was fine -- the TV set was just unplugged!'

"When was the last time anyone checked on Mr Klink."

"You'll feel a pinch now and another one when the bill comes."

Saline Drip Sommelier.

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. Your HMO won't cover the Anesthesia."

'Did you remove my appendix? Yes, both of them.'

"The patient in 12-C needs comforting."

"We've combine the recovery area with the gift shop... just in case your visitors want to pick up a little souvenir."

A Hypochondriac's Worst Nightmare