Hospital Storyteller Pillows

'Well, a quick yank didn't work, either. Let's get you some lower tack bandages.'

'A P.S. on his 'Do not resuscitate' from: 'On second thought, resuscitate'.'

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'Will I live Doctor?' 'Yes, but I don't advise it!'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

"I hope you don't mind - I'm training a brand-new assistant and I've asked her to check your blood pressure."

'I'd like a second opinion, doctor.'

Being Serenading in Casualty

"You're sick of this? Just try to imagine how we feel."

'Your doing GREAT! Tomorrow you should be able to eat hospital food!'

'Is there a chance you will die under the anaesthetic? Well, that is the killer question.'

'Could you stay out of the room for awhile, Nurse? -- Every time you walk in here, his testosterone levels surge.'

Tin Can Operation.

"Look, look … someone wrote unoperable."

"If it's nothing serious' why did you put on five pairs of gloves?"

"Any improvement since I brought the balloon?"

Surgery Instructions.

"According to the chart you've either stabilised or flatlined."

"The doctor will now glance in passing at you."

Hospital porter leaving brain behind

"That's a semi-private room for you. You caught his, and he caught yours."

"No wonder I'm getting feedback!"

"I hope your cast is not itchy, Stacy. I had an itchy cast on my arm once and it itched ALL the time. It felt like crawling ants! Itchy, itchy, itchy..."

'Don't get any ideas, mister -- I recognize that look in your eye!'

'He said, but for you he wouldn't have stuck your credit card to the roof of his mouth in the first place...'

'I've been fixed even though there wasn't anything wrong with me.'

'Is it bad news, doctor?'

'We'll have a bed for you in a couple of days.'

"Remember the hierarchy of competence - see one, do one, teach one, become a regulator."

"I would not recommend you bypass heart surgery."

"... No, it's not true that you can't eat anything after surgery - you can have lots of choices, like ice chips in a cup, ice chips in a bowl, ice chips a la ice..."

"It's not for soaking your feet. . . it's a bed pan."

'It appears you've arrived here because of some medical gobbledygook, so, to put it simply, you can now go home.'

"Got it!"

Your body initially rejected the new kidney, but after we pumped you full of liquor, your body found the new kidney kind of attractive. We'll see what happens in the morning, though.