Hospital Visit Gifts

"He's complaining of chest pain, shortness of breath, cramps and dizziness. Do you sell earplugs?"

"Well, yes, it's a routine procedure - if you routinely have someone slice open your body with sharp instruments and then fiddle with your insides."

"I'm afraid you're retaining lawyers."

"The good news is it's the size of a baseball."

"What a screwup. I was only supposed to get a hip replacement."

"Harry... Looking good buddy!"

"As them if I can have the bottle when it's empty - it'll make a really nice table lamp."

'Mind you, that's the worst-case scenario.'

"Tell her the surgeon is the best in his field and she'll get through this fine!"

Man with Ironing burns on shirt - "How are things going at home Robert?"

'I had no idea that hospital food was this bad!'

"Ere...why's that doctor trying my slippers on?"

'But I only came in to have my appendix out!'

Fish IV

'Hey, a pot...ted plant. Bless you, my man.'

"I told you we were being stitched up. This consultant's bills are outrageous."

"We need to update your entire operating system."

The Children's Hospital

Medical Treatment.

'Other than your choice of ring tone, I can't find anything wrong with you.'

"Well, I'm sorry Doc'. But, if I'd done that to you, you would've clenched your buttocks too!"

"Your bill has been doubled to include your own false pregnancy."

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

'Little Tommy took the cap off the sauce bottle when he got home from school in the end.'

'Come now, Mr. Glickman. It's just a routine operation - nothing at all to be alarmed about!'

"Are they called 'x-rays' because the alphabet wasn't finished when they were invented?"

'Before I leave, I need you to give me your recipe for making toast.'

"The good news is the frustration of filling out all this paperwork will keep your mind off your pain."

"Will he be okay?"

The Lion Tamer

"Congratulations, Mr. Roth. You are now officially a syndrome."

Being Serenading in Casualty

"You might want to sit down, Mrs. Dumpty."

"I hear someone here like The Spider Man..."

"...and hat's how you find the G-Spot."