Hospital Joker Pillows

"Don't forget! My right is your left and your right is my left."

"So far, decliners outnumber advancers nine to seven."

'Nurse, I asked you to cheer up the ward.'

"... A doctor? You'll be lucky to see a practice nurse. Last week I was examined by one of the cleaners!"

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"Sorry, that's not my table."

"Damn it, nurse! I didn't ask for a twenty. I asked for a ten and two fives."

"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"

'Nurse, I said x-ray, not microwave.'

'The doctors all tell me that you have great medical insurance. They think your coverage might last through most of the tests that they have scheduled.'

"Since he was born today he won't begin daycare until tomorrow."

'No, I don't think it a cute idea! Get rid of him and turn in your supervisor's uniform!'

"Are you Matthew Jones with a double 'T'?"

"It will be okay to hop when you go home but don't try to run."

'It's your four basic food groups.'

"I give up. Where's the patient?'

'Anaesthetic ok?' - 'Yes, ten double scotches from the pub up the road.'

'You don't have a heart murmur, but your liver is muttering.'

'Urology...can you hold?'

"I think you may have your gown on back to front."

"What is it Doc, I can handle it."

Doctor about spinning plates on patient: 'I'm concerned about his platelets.'

"Just give me the truth, Doc...I can tell when you're trying to humor me."

'I've had so many transplants, I feel like a garden nursery.'

'I thought I told you to cut down on sugar.'

"Rolling pizza cutter."

"Fortunately, we have an excellent selection!"

'You're excused. Anyone else feel too squeamish to witness the procedure?'

"Everyone loved working with Doctor Patel... Beer!"

'It's always about you isn't it, George? Wouldn't you like to hear about the terrible day I've had for a change?'

"Mr. Wilson? I'm Dr. Bradshaw. Please come in."

Paramedics.

"Pay attention, 'switch it off switch it on again' does not apply to the life support machines."

'I'm so proud of you sweetie, you haven't smoked for a week!'

'When you said I had to come in for a scan, this isn't what I had in mind.'