Homebrew Humorist Pillows

'Can't you come up with something more elegant than 'Dave's Homemade Booze'?'

'All of our wines are made me on the premises.'

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

"Suddenly, you’re a fan of New England stone work?"

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Yard Sale

Teapot

'Dinner will be ready soon -- the submarine sandwiches are soaking now.'

Wait a minute…What operating system are you using?… Common techie question.

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

'I really hate cleaning this thing.'

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

"There's got to be a better way to raise potatoes!"

"Actually, 'Loss of Limb' would be covered under your homeowners policy."

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

'I, Dom Perignon, will now uncork the very first bottle of Champagne. Of course, I'm just guessing this is the right way to do it.'

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

Pi fight!

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

'Don't throw the little silicon chips away -- we may find a use for them someday.'

Join me in a beer?

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

Lady Liberty's Self-Care

'I put lint tape all over his onesie so that, as he crawls around, he picks up the dog hair.'

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

Carpet Cows

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

"I hardly think you can call waiting for updates to install doing nothing!!"

"Apparently he told Chris Tarrant it was just enough to pay off his mortgage!"