Home Maintenance Aficionados T-Shirts

'My husband earned $50,000 last year stomping grapes, but it all went for carpet cleaning.'

'Harold, when was the last time you cleaned the pool?!'

'The plumber said he can't come right now, but promised to put us on his 'wading list'. Cute, huh?'

Yardless: Please help

Man using to much bug spray

"In the whole length and breadth of this world there is no more admirable a spot for a man and his dog to pass the time than the local Home Depot."

Mulching Vacuum Cleaner

'White smoke means she decided what to cook. Black smoke means it's done.'

'I just finished the floors, so they better stay clean!'

"You've got termites. The good news is I gave them all little phones to keep their minds off doing any damage."

Ernie likes to fix things around the house. Just today he's fixed two sandwiches, three sundaes, and some microwave brownies.

"The trees are laughing at us."

The household cavalry

'It's your fault. I told you to watch that wet spot.'

Timber preservation

"Ma'am, you don't have an ant problem. They're coffee grounds."

"Sure, it's a break you can live with... but screw one more socket and you're toast!"

"I fixed your leaky tap and the oven door... but there's nothing I can do with that dodgy seal on the fridge!"

House proud woman vacuums hair from dog.

"Okay, I fixed the leaking roof, and I moved the couch over to the far wall, but I'm sorry, I don't unblock toilets!"

"Let me call you back, Lori. I'm binge-watching John clean the gutters."

"What already?! You're the one who told me I needed professional help."

'Hanging around the house, Fred, just in case.'

Mr. Briggs' Pleasures of Housekeeping, part 1

"Why do I feel like your mother is going to blame this on my cleaning?"

"I just got a text message from our dehumidifier. It says it doesn't know how much more of this rain it can take."

Product Testing Department

"The mold cleaners are here! I gotta scram."

"Moat? No - sump pump crapped out."

'Hey, I just mopped the yard.'

"Well, you could wish for a new kitchen and a bathroom renovation; or alternatively you could just wish for a less idle husband."

"Someone posted a picture of you working in the yard, so I knew right away it had to be a deepfake."

'I think my husband's DIYed and gone to heaven.'

"To heck with a husband... just help me find a dependable electrician."

'How do you propose to repair the roof from down there?!'