Home Life Philosopher T-Shirts

"Harold, would you say you are left of center, right of center, left of left, right of left, left of right, or right of right, or what?"

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Better bring me another cookie. The last one fell in the water."

"Someone once told me that kids grow up so quickly. I hope there's some truth to that."

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

Covid Inquiry / Enquiry

'Honey, where's my cell phone?'

'Hi hon! How's the little monster?'

"That's our house, that's Mommy going to work, and that's you, staring out the window, wondering where it all went wrong."

"It's an update from the people tracking us. According to this, we haven't gone anywhere or done anything."

'I know he doesn't like this house, but he'll just have to get used to it.'

At home with the Bones...one skeleton yells at the dog chewing his leg, 'now cut that out!'

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

A Vase has fallen on a cat's head. Are mice to blame?

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

Self-Isolating. Do Not Disturb (Except For Food).

'Do you realize that we're sitting in a prefabricated house, eating precooked dinners, and listening to Chris Matthews' opinions?'

"Yes, six to seven weeks is my life expectancy! Once I learned that, I thought, the hell with it, I'll stop working and start travelling..."

'Your fur looks like you slept in it.'

"Attention, everyone! Here comes Poppa, and we're going to drive dull care away! It's quips and cranks and wanton wiles, nods and becks and wreathed smiles."

'I'm glad you're able to be with us more, but I'd appreciate it if you'd say you're 'spending time' with us, not 'doing time' with us.'

"You need to justify your own existence first."

"I'm trying to create a hologram of myself. If I'm successful, I'll never have to attend school, go to the dentist or go anywhere else that's boring again."

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

"More quarters! For God's sake, more quarters!!"

"I don't know...sometimes I think I don't spend enough time with them. What kind of role model am I?"

"Always take the bull firmly by the tail and look him directly in the eye..."

"Wow, these slippers are really warm!"

Comb Sweet Comb

'You know I'd take the blame kid, but I'm still on shakey ground over that carpet incident.'

Fleeting illusions of happiness hour 5-7

Caveman to kid: 'There's more to life than what you read on cave walls.'

"Sorry, my report is blank. I just stayed home, watched tv and played video games during vacation."

'Settle an argument. Which is better incessant barking or meowing?'

'Hon, can you fill the dog's water dish?'