Home Invasion Satire Fan Gifts

'Thank heaven you're here - they've just about taken over.'

"You know, there are other emojis."

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

1989 Map Of Sorghum Corners, Ohio

'Of course the Johnsons got the big cloud.'

"Only three hundred and sixty-seven followers? Maria's not an asset to the abbey."

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

"Ancient Aztec shaman-kings predicted a coming together of all the cultures of the world, creating a new enlightenment for human beings."

'I believe in the free enterprise system. I haven't paid for anything in the past 27 years...'

'I thought you said, 'What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom'!'

'5.40pm on the 2nd day....and still waiting for the surveyor'

'I'll have the Chairman-of-the-board Lunch, and Dexter here will have the Sissy's Salad.'

"Wow. I just had a near life experience!"

Frosty decides to have a carrot job

'Sorry, I only drink still wines. I don't have the patience to wait for bubbles to pop.'

'Cannibalism has always repulsed me - until i tasted Aunty Judy's knees'

"Are you V.A.T. registered..?"

'We need more cake shows!'

'They're clouds, Bob. You can't channel surf.'

'He was too chatty. I don't like small talk. Too much gibber, not enough jabber.'

"I'm thinking about moving out of the suburbs."

"I don’t remember there being a tip jar the last time we were here."

"Worm puree? No, it seems the old lady was sh*tfaced again last night!"

Woman on a Pedestal. . . Who Married the Mothers Boy.

'Uh oh. Wax moths! There goes the neighborhood.'

'What was all that yelling outside?'

'Uh oh. Cougar alert.'

Unbroken Eye Contact: The Musical

"If it weren't for lobby security tapes I wouldn't even know I had a bald spot on the top of my head."

"Aside from the foot, do you think my parking's getting better?"

"A touch more obsequious and you'll reach the tipping point."

Statue Selfie

"The ball of wool channel? Who the hell signed us up for that?"

'Better call me Sir in the office dear - I don't want the staff to know that I send my wife out to work...'

How come nothing good ever happens to me? Like what? Like getting taken by a foreign government then rescued. I want to get a book contract, to be part of the news cycle, to have him talk about me. Whom? Speak my name, Anderson Cooper! The great one.