Home Improvement Strategist Gifts

"It's a quote from the builder, he says that the $2000 will just cover the cost of him coming over to laugh at us!"

"I finally found a use for that old home repair book..."

'Good news. I found where the termites have been living.'

Why it's bad when home owners change their minds about the bathroom's location late in a building project.

"This the first time you guys ever installed an above-ground pool?"

"I just love how wet you've made things in here."

'You've reached McWit Quality Construction. If your foundation has cracked, press 1, if your plumbing is leaking press 2, if your house is collapsing, press 3 ...'

"I said to myself, 'Maybe I can't change the world, but I can remodel my bathroom.' "

'Sure you won 'Contractor of the Decade' five times, McWit, but what have you done lately?'

'You're using 14' nails on a 2' door? This is definitely a case where bigger is not better.'

"Everything you say (or don't say) matters. Choose your words and intentions carefully."

Do-It-Yourself. Do-it-yourself-With-Good-Friends-and-Pizza-and-A-Few-Beers.

"Maybe the termite problem should take precedence over the chimney problem."

We're putting on a subtraction.

"Have you been using 'Vanish' again?"

"No monsters, but there's a tear in the carpeting and I see hardwood!"

"Mulch madness"

"Did you get my e-mail about who takes out the trash today?"

'She seems to think I only have one thing on my mind.'

'Ever thought of having the place re-carpeted?'

'I found out how to redecorate the easy way - just call the old wallpaper names and it will come down to slap you!'

'I'm counter - intelligence'

'Handyman's Special'

"It's a lot of work, but we've decided to renovate this old factory."

Over 50 shades of grey available.

"This condo includes free access to fitness facilities...7 flights of stairs."

'I think you want Phillips. Two doors down on the left.'

House for sale - some assembly required.

New! Paint Bombs: 'Light the wick, and you have paint that's extremely easy to apply!'

"Hello, and welcome to 'Homes Under the Hammer. . .'"

'We're waiting for an estimate that doesn't make him do that.'

"It's not so much a fixer upper as a tear it downer."

Spring Cleaning

'Where do you keep the elbow-grease?'

"Hang on- I'm receiving a textured message."