Home Improv Comedian Pillows

'I didn't have time to cut the lawn, so I used your credit card to have it carpeted. Do you like the cool color I picked out?'

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"Idea?" "No. Just a light bulb."

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

The Hammer

Yard Sale

"Am I sensing fear?"

'OK, the worn out carpeting proves I snack too much. Only one thing to do. Tomorrow I get prices on hardwood floors.'

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

'That's the problem with living with an artist, the fruitbowl is always off...'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

Happy Brithday

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

'I didn't hear you calling. I can't listen to everybody who yells at me.'

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

"I see the cat's left us another little offering."

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

Please Wait Here To Be Scolded

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

"I guess it's too late to warn you that I turned off the hot water."

Carpet Cows

"I #*#*#* hate gardening, I'd much rather be at work!!"

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

"My wife, my best friend and our prenup!"

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

'Well, you always said you wanted a water feature for the garden.'