Home Improv Comedian Pillows

'I didn't have time to cut the lawn, so I used your credit card to have it carpeted. Do you like the cool color I picked out?'

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Idea?" "No. Just a light bulb."

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Yard Sale

The Hammer

"Am I sensing fear?"

'OK, the worn out carpeting proves I snack too much. Only one thing to do. Tomorrow I get prices on hardwood floors.'

'That's the problem with living with an artist, the fruitbowl is always off...'

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

Happy Brithday

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

'I didn't hear you calling. I can't listen to everybody who yells at me.'

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

"I see the cat's left us another little offering."

"I guess it's too late to warn you that I turned off the hot water."

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

"I #*#*#* hate gardening, I'd much rather be at work!!"

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

"My wife, my best friend and our prenup!"

Carpet Cows

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

'Well, you always said you wanted a water feature for the garden.'

Please Wait Here To Be Scolded