Holiday Punster Pillows

"My mom is an English teacher and she says Santa's elves are subordinate clauses."

"No, sir, this isn't Positano. It's the Jersey Shore."

Well... Tis the season to be jolly!

"Sorry, sir. It's a no-fly cruise."

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

Intelligent people laugh too!

"Are your eel rolls electric?"

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.

Assault 'n' Vinegar

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

"Bad dog! I've told you to always proofread."

Man retrives a mermaid from his swimming trunks after a swim in the sea

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

'Did you watch the horror movie?'

'I've been a nervous rex all day.'

'It's the report from the consultant. He says we should turn over the turnovers to improve turnover.'

"Not to brag or anything, but I'm the elephant in the room at my company."

Look! Up in the sky! It's absurd! It's inane! It's Malaprop Man! Malaprop Man, I hear you're fighting climate change now. Yes starting with solo panels, I'm reducing greenhouse guesses! I'm investing in buttery technology. I'm going to have windmeals. And of course, I've stopped drinking cola. Why is that? I'll have a smaller carbonated footprint!

Sweep the board.

Adam names the animals (He puts sticky notes on them saying Shaz, Dave, Trish etc).

Dogs life

Little girl hoses down walkway as Santa slips and falls

"No chips, but I did snag the new Hiaasen."

Turkey Autopsy

'What did I tell you? There's always a catch to those bargain internet travel fares...'

"Where were you between 4 and 6?"

'It's worse than we thought: You've got termites.'

Kick Me! (sign on an anthropomorphized soccer ball)

Christmas Presents.

Reptile Class: 'My homework ate my dog.'

'He bought a donkey because he thought he might get a kick out of it.'

"You wanted the magic back in our relationship..."

"So is this war movie rated R, rated PG, or rated RPG?"

'Hi, this is Batman. You've reached the Batcave. I'm not in right now but as soon as I return I'll call you bat.'