Holiday Gifting Pillows

"Not much in the way of loot, but we got a ton of store credit."

'He's expecting a big foreign aid check.'

Secret Santa

"Was I upset when you gave me a full day of beauty?"

"Today's news is so bad, it makes yesterday's bad news look good."

"You have reached your destination (for the 4th time tonight, I might I add?)"

"You may have the weight of the world on your shoulders, but that's not why you're 10 pounds heavier."

"Could you pass me up? I'm in row one."

Excess Baggage: Our advice? Enjoy your vacation while you can.

"Take Away Food" tramp waiting round corner to pounce

'I can see the headlines...'two bums trampled to death in a type A personality traffic jam!''

Boomerang Present: Return to Sender

'$1500,00 for two weeks in Florida, and nobody's even noticed my tan!'

'Well, the wine is certainly easy to swallow ... and so is the wine if you're already intoxicated.'

Orienteering in the Orient

Life Imitates Arf....

'We're telling people you have a scheduling conflict.'

"That'll be five bucks."

"That's very innovative, but I'm just not interested in buying a box of Girl Scout Cigars."

"Officer, shouldn't this be a time for healing?"

English People With Servants Having Problems - On Demand

"I always end up buying way more black-truffle honey than I intended."

"Behold the secret to happiness."

"I don't know why you always have to choose the same hide-and-go-seek hiding spot that I do, Tommy!"

"It was terrifying experience being faced with that kind of compulsive, insane behaviour...I tell you it's positively the last time I put foot in the sales!"

Christmas Tree

"As you can see, I've alphabetized the items, presents owing if you will, so if you can digitally initial here, here, here, here and here and sign there. Thank you. See you December 24."

Don't forget the hosepipe ban!

'Santa recalled thousands of toys ― he delivered them to kids who're in fact naughty.'

'What do you do with the time you save?'

Daughters on the beach

'I'd explain how the TV, VCR, DVD, surround sound home entertainment system works...but I don't know.'

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"From the gentleman at the end of the barre."