Hipster Colonizer T-Shirts

"You called me, boss?" "Yes, I overheard you talking to patrons about all the new planets we’ve found." "I want you to stop doing that." "At least until I’m done buying up as much of that real estate as I can. I don’t need any competitors driving up the prices." "Very bad man." "When the hipsters run out of cities to gentrify here, my properties on Gliese 581c are going to make a killing."

"Don't shave it. It gives your face character."

"So this coffee shop if your 'hangout'?"

"She'll have a semi-wizened, double ristretto with a dot of quail's milk - and please recite a poem while you make it."

Emergency Hipster Beard

"I'll have a cup of coffee, and would you mind removing that ridiculous painting and turning off the Wilco?"

A daily rubdown with a beard brush will wrangle awkward bristles and train them downwards...

"I feel like we've walked into some sort of epidemic of hipatitus."

"I only like their bad albums – the good ones are too commercial."

Old rocker.

Craft Donuts vs. Craft Beer

"Face it, Clive - you're bald."

"Yuppies! There goes the hood!"

"I want to be a more interesting person. Think maybe watching old black and white movies would do it?"

Spontaneous Kombucha

Your Guide to Winning Movember

Save Mars

The Organic

Peak Beard/High Peak Beard

Meticulously prepared, locally sourced food served on artifacts of a romanticized industrial past, by people who take their fashion cues from daguerreotypes, to adults whose parents still pay their rent.

"Communion at the contemporary service is scones and coffee."

"As your new CEO, I hereby change 'deadline' to 'soft squiggle.'"

"Yo, how's it swinging?"

"Thousands of craft beers and I still haven't found one with a smooth, kibble finish."

The Inventor of the Man Bun!

'Dude, ya hat's on backwards.'

"I'd like a fat-free, gluten-free, MSG-free, mini, super-skinny, artisan latte please..."

"We’re trying to inject a little pastoralism into our lives."

"Wow, yours is already climbing your beard!"

"I love blue Martinis. It's like the fifties and the nineties all mixed up together."

"There you go bra. Double flat white and homage to Rothko's Seagram series."

A train's dining car is a diner.

"Give me something that shows I'm hip AND fiscally responsible."