Herbivorous Epicurean Pillows

'Which wine should I serve with tofu meat loaf and seaweed salad?'

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

Holiday Supplies

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

Veggie Hall of Fame.

"You arrived as bottom-feeders, but you shall leave as bottom-gourmands."

"It was a really romantic dinner. I cried when he gave me roses. We had lobster and wine. He cried when we got the bill."

Michel Roux Jr

"Honey, quick – the demi-glace is about to simmer – pass me a shot of Don Julio 1942 tequila!"

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

"What would you suggest as a dinner strategy?"

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

'...and that concludes this seminar on healthy living. Now, if anyone cares to join me, I'm off to that new place down the street for some steak and a few beers.'

"Since I proved in my last lecture that none of us really exist...I'm going to change this to a cooking class!"

'How many Breadsticks have you eaten?'

"So who gets the rib eye and who gets the salad?"

"I see you've finished your meal, sir. Can I get you anything else?... Coffee? Brandy? A doctor?"

'If I have but one life to live, Pierre, it's going to be a gastric life.'

'I don't get it. All we eat is hay and grass, and yet we're a veritable storehouse of cholesterol.'

'On your way back from the Holy Land, can you stop at Paris and pick up some creme brulee?'

'Good thing the recipe doesn't call for two tablespoons of port, we'd need a second cart.'

"The book, How to Serve Man! It's. . . It's a cook book, filled with recipes that use MSG and transfats!"

Romance novel writers make the best waiters. 'Tonight's special is chicken: ample,milky white breasts, touched with a slight hesitation of strong,rigid basil, too headstrong to stay and too scared to stop.'

'The bill is part of the chef's surprise, sir.'

Survival of the Foodiest

"Bob, no! You don't drown in white wine with steak!"

Nick's Greek Restaurant: Special - Nick's own translation of the Odyssey