Herbivorous Epicurean Gifts

'Which wine should I serve with tofu meat loaf and seaweed salad?'

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

Holiday Supplies

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

Veggie Hall of Fame.

"You arrived as bottom-feeders, but you shall leave as bottom-gourmands."

"It was a really romantic dinner. I cried when he gave me roses. We had lobster and wine. He cried when we got the bill."

I grew up vegetarian. Wow. That takes work to stay strong. What motivates you? Hey, lettuce brain! Peer pressure.

Michel Roux Jr

Paul Bocuse caricature

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

"What would you suggest as a dinner strategy?"

"Honey, quick – the demi-glace is about to simmer – pass me a shot of Don Julio 1942 tequila!"

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

'...and that concludes this seminar on healthy living. Now, if anyone cares to join me, I'm off to that new place down the street for some steak and a few beers.'

Anthony Bourdain with Chopsticks

'I don't get it. All we eat is hay and grass, and yet we're a veritable storehouse of cholesterol.'

"So who gets the rib eye and who gets the salad?"

"Since I proved in my last lecture that none of us really exist...I'm going to change this to a cooking class!"

'How many Breadsticks have you eaten?'

"I see you've finished your meal, sir. Can I get you anything else?... Coffee? Brandy? A doctor?"

'If I have but one life to live, Pierre, it's going to be a gastric life.'

"What've you got that's good for vegans?"

'On your way back from the Holy Land, can you stop at Paris and pick up some creme brulee?'

Romance novel writers make the best waiters. 'Tonight's special is chicken: ample,milky white breasts, touched with a slight hesitation of strong,rigid basil, too headstrong to stay and too scared to stop.'

Survival of the Foodiest

"The book, How to Serve Man! It's. . . It's a cook book, filled with recipes that use MSG and transfats!"

'Good thing the recipe doesn't call for two tablespoons of port, we'd need a second cart.'

'The bill is part of the chef's surprise, sir.'

Nick's Greek Restaurant: Special - Nick's own translation of the Odyssey