Help Line Hater Prints

Telephone message - 'This is a recording. If you'd like to speak to a real live human being, forgetaboutit.

Suggestions box in a toilet.

I hate sitting in traffic jams. - 'Move it! I need to get work.' - 'I hate sitting at my desk.' -

'Oh good! - I hate long lines!'

"If the headline screams catastrophe, but nobody cares to read it, does it still make a sound?"

"I volunteer for the Samaritans. I tried to phone in sick this morning but they talked me out of it."

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

"I hate hibernating! All our devices need updating. And now we need to go through a thousand phone and text messages."

With the Inflatable Pocket Potty, you'll never have to wait in line again at the stadium.

'Hello?...Customer service?...Uhhh...How do you open the box?'

'If you now feel like punching someone in the face. . . press five!'

On hold, Rick listens to "As Time Goes By" over and over again.

'It's a new federal safety regulation. We have to slide a mattress behind you before we hand you your bill.'

"We'd like to begin by boarding all passengers who feel impatient."

"Would you please speak more slowly and with a different accent?"

Stand in the Q.

"Don't worry...with his swing, this is the safest place to stand."

'And press nine if you are loosing the will to live!'

"...And as for cards, I've no intention of pouring more money into the capitalists machine, of becoming a dupe of the marketing men!"

'I have just initiated your computer's auto destruct countdown.'

'For an English translation of what the tech support person says, press 2...'

"Woopsee! Wrong button. And after you got through all those menus, too! Too bad. Good luck next time! hahaha!"

'Federal Communications Commission - May I help you?'

"I'm glad you were satisfied with the service but please don't tell people or everyone will expect it."

"There were only two things about Bryan that I simply could not stand - his breathing and is chewing."

"Can I call you back? I'm shopping."

Avoiding Housework 'How to skive'

"Gawd, I hate these water hazards!!"

"To return to the original menu say say 'Goddam son of a bitch!'"

'If this is the conflict resolution hotline, why are you ticking me off??!!

'OK, I clicked on the help page. Now - how do I get it to just listen?'

"And as we don't have any, 'on hold music' I'm going to hum you a little tune."

"There is an easier an less expensive way to turn off those annoying notifications..."

World of P.C.'s Customer Call Centre

'How do you work this thing?'