Healthcare System Humorist Gifts

'The bad news is your NHS operation has been pstponed again but on the plus side you might be eligible for the Guiness Book of Records.'

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

"And as soon as he's on the mend,we'll get the physiotherapist in here with a ball of twine."

"The first one's just a warning."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

Cardiac Recovery.

'No, Mr. Simmons, your MR images aren't in yet. We have older equipment, which takes a little longer to process.'

"I know other hospitals are worried about the superbug, but ours is the only one that understands the accounts system."

Providing Healthcare For All

'Maybe it is psychosomatic.'

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."

"I won't stick my tongue out. You told me it was rude."

'Believe me, Mr, Hart, Laughter really is the best medicine,'

"All my symptoms are old ... "

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

'Nurse, why is there always a fly in my ointment?'

MEDICAL SCHOOL, 'I didn't know you COULD specialize in insurance.'

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

Virtual Doctor

"We need to update your entire operating system."

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'Hah! The joke's on you — I already thought up a second opinion!'

'I'm sorry. It looks like your insurance company doesn't cover pre-existing life.'

Kid with plaster cast being sawn off.

'Not feeling well? Don't be silly - your EKG has outperformed the Dow.'

"Nurse, when I asked you to make the patient more comfortable I just meant plump up his pillows!"

'I think it's damn unprofessional for a dermatologist to scream 'Yikes' like that.'