Healthcare Consultant Gifts

'If we can't cure cancer, our hope is to turn it into a long-term profitbale disease.'

'Yes, we do have health benefits, but read the fine print. You're only allowed to get sick once every three years.'

"We don't offer a health-care plan. Instead, we have Lou persuade you not to get sick."

"Till Washington gets this healthcare issue figured out, Max here will be handling your procedure."

'Boy! The cost of health care is going up, up, up...'

The management consultants recommended the use of more portable technology on the wards...but we couldn't afford laptops.'

'We don't know what you have or how to cure it - all we can do is bill you.'

"Doctors said that although the approach is still experimental, it may prove an effective weapon in the fight against health-care reform."

'Everything looks good, Now, we'll just bring in the company psychic to see if you have any pre-existing conditions from a previous life.'

'Would you mind if these junior managers have a go at assessing the profitability of your treatment?'

"Our current medical plan offers a three-day stay for a bullet in the groin or torso, a two-day stay for a bullet in an extremity, and an overnight for superficial head wounds."

'Of course I'm sure it's hereditary. My father treated your father for the same thing.'

Consultants Force to Route Referrals Through GP's to Save Money.

'If I do, will you lower my premium?'

"Do you want to ruin me?! Take it away!!"

'I'd like a diagnosis of the disease and a prognosis of the bill.'

"We need to make cuts...shall we start with the heart?"

"I've written my diagnosis on this piece of paper. I'm going to slide it over to you, and I want you to tell me if you're interested."

"It looks bad, sir..."

'We'll see significant savings in health care costs with our new in-house operations.'

"At this point we're no longer testing you. We're testing your insurance."

"That's where all the wasted taxpayers money goes."

Health Care Consultant on Call.

06 Congressional Record.

Dr. Farnsworth, Specialist in Insured Diseases.

"Here's the new Healthcare Plan. Let me know if you can figure it out."

"Republicans, Democrats...as long as they keep getting sick, we'll be all right."

"Fortunately I hold the patent for the gene that's causing the ringing in your ears, and I can refer you to the doctor who holds the patent for the gene that's causing the pain in your ears."

"Your 'medicare for all' plan is too complicated. . . it's too expensive. . . it's unsustainable. . . it's. . . it's. . . socialism!!"

"I think we've got another novel virus here."

"Portnoy, your job is to come up with a disease this expensive drug will cure."

"Our medical benefits are quite limited, basically we send you a memo telling you to take more exercise."

Curing the NHS

'A woman obstetrician! What do women know about that sort of thing?'

Dental healthcare plan for client with rotten teeth.