Health Trends Gifts

For Witches of a Certain Age

"We couldn't find a raw-vegan, gluten-free, sugar-free, non-G.M.O. cake for your birthday, so we got you nothing."

"So all these years you never did yoga but just walked around carrying the mat?"

"I don't speak Yoga. I speak Pilates."

"Which celebrities do this type of yoga?"

"Remember when all we had to worry about was gluten?"

A sign out front of the center for disease control reads:' Boogie fever is back!!'

'Cause of death: Acute, sudden dehydration secondary to moisture-wicking undergarments.'

"Here's to us, kid—and the healing powers of raw juices."

"Can we stop talking about turmeric now?"

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

"Why did you just dump my kiwi-colada smoothie on my head?" "I'm glad you (huff) asked." "Studies (huff) show that sitting all (huff) day long behind a desk leads (huff) to obesity, sickness, (huff) toe-swelling (huff) and an early, (huff) excruciating (huff) death." "So more (huff) and more (huff) office workers are using (huff) standing desks (huff) with treadmills." "Have you ever (huff) tried handing someone (huff) a smoothie while running (huff) on a treadmill?" "They walk. ...walk."

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

Formally foods that were good for you.

"They harvest our noses then liquify them and drink the juice. They believe it gives them special powers called 'antioxidants'."

'I'd like your jester to tell you Atkins jokes ten times a day.'

"I put an olive in my beer and turn it into a health drink."

All Natural Nothing

Firewood for Sale

"In my dreams I still eat gluten..."

Jesus turns water into Vitamin Water.

CLOTHES-HORSES OF THE ART SCENE

Raw food, after you leave for work.

"The Chicken: Just another body type that shouldn't be permitted to wear yoga pants."

"Walking erect is very trendy now."

A Macaroni in 1772

"I feel like we've walked into some sort of epidemic of hipatitus."

"By the end of next week, these fads such as social media, automobiles and making fire will all be over."

"Absolutely not!"

Keeping warm.

"And now. . . which shoes?"

On Aug. 3, 1992, the Moon rose over the horizon wearing heavy eye-liner and mohawk. Fortunately it was just a phase.

"Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Calcium, Kelp, Brewer's Yeast, Aspirin?"

"Faster! Middle age is gaining on you!"

'Miss Raleigh. I'm studying megatrends. Bring me some megavitamins.'