Health Trends Gifts

For Witches of a Certain Age

"We couldn't find a raw-vegan, gluten-free, sugar-free, non-G.M.O. cake for your birthday, so we got you nothing."

"So all these years you never did yoga but just walked around carrying the mat?"

"I don't speak Yoga. I speak Pilates."

"Which celebrities do this type of yoga?"

"Remember when all we had to worry about was gluten?"

A sign out front of the center for disease control reads:' Boogie fever is back!!'

'Cause of death: Acute, sudden dehydration secondary to moisture-wicking undergarments.'

"I want to have that operation I heard about on All Things Considered."

"Here's to us, kid—and the healing powers of raw juices."

"Can we stop talking about turmeric now?"

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

Negative calories! What? I present my latest and greatest innovation - Negative calorie vitamin water. This caf

Hiccups. Run for the cure.

"Why did you just dump my kiwi-colada smoothie on my head?" "I'm glad you (huff) asked." "Studies (huff) show that sitting all (huff) day long behind a desk leads (huff) to obesity, sickness, (huff) toe-swelling (huff) and an early, (huff) excruciating (huff) death." "So more (huff) and more (huff) office workers are using (huff) standing desks (huff) with treadmills." "Have you ever (huff) tried handing someone (huff) a smoothie while running (huff) on a treadmill?" "They walk. ...walk."

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

Formally foods that were good for you.

"They harvest our noses then liquify them and drink the juice. They believe it gives them special powers called 'antioxidants'."

'I'd like your jester to tell you Atkins jokes ten times a day.'

"I put an olive in my beer and turn it into a health drink."

All Natural Nothing

Firewood for Sale

"In my dreams I still eat gluten..."

Jesus turns water into Vitamin Water.

Men's Suits. I hear being suave and sophisticated is coming back in style. That's just an urbane legend.

CLOTHES-HORSES OF THE ART SCENE

Raw food, after you leave for work.

"The Chicken: Just another body type that shouldn't be permitted to wear yoga pants."

Keeping warm.

"And now. . . which shoes?"

"Absolutely not!"

"By the end of next week, these fads such as social media, automobiles and making fire will all be over."

"Walking erect is very trendy now."

"I feel like we've walked into some sort of epidemic of hipatitus."

A Macaroni in 1772