Health Scare Pillows

'This second prescription is to calm you down after you see the cost of the first one.'

As a rule, all surprise parties start out with good intentions.

'If the ECG isn't broken then we have problem'

'I've found this lump on my testicle, would you like to have a look?'

'The medication wont cure you, but it's side effects will!'

"I guess I'm lucky to be here. I had a stroke on the 18th green and then a mulligan in the ambulance."

"....H....5....N...1...???You got me.... but I'm sure it spells trouble."

'Luckily you caught it in time while you're still alive to sue.'

"You need more action in your life."

"The light at the end of a tunnel turned from green to red."

"Will he be okay?"

"Well your results would be normal if you were a 108 and smoked a 60 a day!"

"The bowels, the bowels."

'We're all out of flu vaccine - how about something for anxiety...?'

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

"I made a list of all my symptoms. Lost the list. Can't remember any of my symptoms now."

"Say hi to your mother for me and tell her I'm happy her bypass turned out O.K

'...And my thirty-seventh symptom....'

"I forget. If I have an adverse reaction, do I call my doctor or my lawyer?"

Zika Epidemic

'Remember your blood pressure, dear!...the Dr, warned about anything that would anger you, like this divided congress and their inability to compromise on things beneficial to the nation.'

Heathrow New Variants Arrivals Lounge

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

Expensive health care

'I'm convinced I've got page 68 of my medical dictionary, doctor!'

"As a confirmed hypochondriac, I rely on placebos to get me through the day."

Health MOT's will attract 'worried well': I've looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I've got ALL these life threatening illnesses.

Just in time for Halloween...

"Interesting greeting ritual."

Cook for 3 minutes stir, wait 30 years to discover if the contaminated ingredient gives you stomach cancer.

'Doc - this isn't going to cost me a lot - is it?'

'You're a hypochondriac.' 'Yes, Doctor, but am I a healthy hypochondriac, or a sick hypochondriac?'

"Armstrong, you're the cheapest cheapskate on earth." "Not yet, but a man can dream." "This toothache is killing me but I have no money and no insurance. Do you know where I can find a really cheap dentist?" "Of course. I can give you my guy's name. He works for peanuts." "I’ll get a pen." "You’ll also need a passport and lots of penicillin."

'Panic over...it's not mumps just high blood pressure.'

'Even hypochondriacs pass away...sooner or later.'