Health Riskacknowledger Pillows

"Well, I lived on the main road, lung cancer was free. I drunk up the money I had saved."

March Against Big Tech: "Oh, wow, this has bee great for my step count!"

'Most, yes, but they're not all carcinogenic!'

Zika Epidemic

'Is it organic?'

Spring.

'In that case I'll do nothing!'

Rule #1. Of what? HYPOCHONDRIACS HANDBOOK. A little passion project I'm working on; or, rather, I would be working on. I can't write or type wearing my protective anti-flu gear. Rule #1: Get some loser to take dictation for you. I hate where this is heading.

"...and lay off the energy drinks..."

'My prescription: digital textbooks.'

"Interesting greeting ritual."

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, Doctor scared by apples,

"You're not allowed to enter the city. Your exhaust emissions are much too high!"

Diet Smell...

"My lab tests are in. I'm lactose intolerant."

WARNING: Smoking turns you into a donkey.

New in fitness: Health club truancy officers.

'Test results indicate you broke your New Year's resolution.'

"...and therefore I share my Nobel Prize with my consultant."

'We don't call it 'plus size' anymore, we call it 'extra fun'.'

"Does anyone know CPR?"

'Weight loss can cause liver damage...'

"I need to lose a few pounds - my car is starting to feel tight."

Corporate Liposuction, Inc.: 'A leaner, meaner company, or your money back!'

'There, but for liposuction, go I.'

'I appreciate your wanting me to do a stress test but what do you think I'm going through right now?'

'Could you ask the dentist if it's okay for me to use my own spitton?'

"I gave up smoking to annoy my wife by living longer."

Fat kids in football T-shirts, Rooney and Ronaldo. Man says: 'It's good for kids to have sport role models.'

Pharmacy. Can you give me something that will make me feel better, but not quite good enough to go back to work?

'How long have you had that nagging knee injury?!'

'Maybe I'll die earlier because I drink, smoke and eat too much. But at least, I'll die happily!'

"Someday we'll look back at this as the golden age of childhood obesity."

Unvaccinated Summer

Another anthrax case...