Health News Junkie Pillows

'I haven't read the health columns this morning. Is coffee out or in today?'

Press reports suggest that caffeine could provide protection against a range of cancers.

'Stay tuned for a surprising new health study regarding...'

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

'You've hit the fitness plateau.'

"Nous somme desir-eh, go, er, allez, erm, universitaire français, s'il vous plait."

'Is this still America?'

"We evolved from asteroids"

'I believe we got your blood pressure back up to normal.'

'I told you not to look up your ailments on the internet' - computer screen reads 'You have 3 days to live',

'We don't have the answer, but we're really getting off on the attention.'

"My doctor says you should be drawing more fruits and vegetables."

'Which? Covid-19 Variant' Guide.

"I'm not saying you have to give them up entirely, but you need to eat your young in moderation."

M.D. The problem with your constitution is you've abused the pursuit of happiness.

Woman with exercise bike

Gym workout.

A man in hospital is exposed to Covid-19

'The nation is evenly divided again...the red states, Atkins Diet...the blue states, South Beach.'

'All I'm saying, Sweetheart, is that maybe you're not quite ready for the advanced yoga class!'

The Diabetic Hummingbird Feeder

'I take it that when you went on your 'spot reduction' diet, this wasn't what you had in mind?'

'I'm sorry, but there are now 16,000 medical jounals, and I no longer have time to see any patients.'

'He's a very good doctor, and I trust him, but I must confess that I always double check his diagnosis on Google.'

"We saw a movie about mononucleosis in health class. It was called, 'Germs of Endearment.'"

'So does this 'hip, bum and thighs diet' work?'

'It has been one of those days when every patient has read the same medical article in Reader's Digest.'

Intensive billing unit

"Which do you want first, the good news that sounds better than it is or the bad news that seems worse than you expected?"

"In health news, everything you thought was good for you is now bad for you."

All this binge eating and rinking I'm doing is making me really fat so I'll need a full check-up in July 2006 - GPs must provide advance bookings.

'I've got every disease in this book except hypochondria...'

"The trick is to bite them just after they've been to the gym: You get good, well oxygenated blood..."

I'm telling you, this standing-on-your-head workout will add hours to your life.

"Stop complaining. If you hadn't spent all day in a donut shop you wouldn't have to lose 3.5 stones so we could lift off."