Health Milestone Smasher Gifts

The frustration of a nagging injury.

"Things are still a little rough for me, and occasionally I lose hope and get depressed—but I'm getting stronger every day."

"Sign my yearbook?"

'He's been like this ever since he had his laser eye treatment.'

Cardiac Recovery.

"You're 5 years old now, Timmy. It's about time you retain an attorney."

Woman crying with happiness.

Church Basement Foodie

"Faster! Middle age is gaining on you!"

'Guess what? I won again.'

An old man exercising with hourglasses

"Enjoy yourself while you can because before you know it, you've surpassed your 'Best Used By' date."

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

His first conspiracy theory...'Is it a coincidence the first time I walk, they start locking all the cupboards? I think not!'

Ogden Nash: 'Middle age is when you've met so many people, that every new person reminds you of someone else.'

Gym. You lost a pound this week? It's only because I always leave here too tired to go looking for it!

After many years of wavering Dennis finally makes the decision to step out of his comfort zone.

"You're right, they are statins."

"It makes you look old."

"At my age, your legs and bowels begin to go."

"Our new treadmill is easy to use, you just set it to the speed setting that's most comfortable for you."

Medication for the elderly

"Day 19,918: Once again, Gary cannot believe he's still alive."

'They want your underwear.'

'When 900 years you reach, retire, you will not.'

'Have you ever noticed that as you get older, your thin things get thicker and your thick things get thicker?'

'Take this drug...you'll be ten years younger.'

Women

'They're young hares, so it's OK for them to be a bit crazy in March, but thankfully, we've grown out of that!'

Healthy.

"This birthday qualified him to be tapped as a fossil fuel reserve."

Who's Dead

"Ha! Now no one can call me 'old'! I just overtook a sports car!"

You're only young once but apparently there's no limit on childish. (Published originally on January 15, 2008.)

"Good for you for getting your mammogram."